In just under 2 months I’ll be edging ever close to 35 and it puts a knot in my stomach. It’s hard to see that number written down. I generally don’t like even years, odd’s feel younger, but not 35. That’s one more step to 40. How did I get so old? I certainly don’t feel my age or act it. I still feel like I’m in my early 20’s. Early 20’s with big decisions to make.
While for now I can get away with looking 30 thanks to relativity good genes and sunblock, I ask myself how much longer can I get away with skinny jeans and short shorts in the summer? I imagine I’ll still be wearing them in 10, 20, 30 years time. Done right you can. I don’t want to be dowdy and give up. I remember a lady in her early 70’s who certainly looked 10 years younger in Barcelona telling me that if a woman looks after herself past her 40’s the old age weight is easier to keep off. I believe her. She looked fantastic, had children, dressed her age, yet still wore skinny jeans and rocked her bikini like she owned it. She had the added edition of confidence and self belief. One thing that I don’t have oodles with.
As hard as it’s to admit, my body is getting older. I look after it the best I can with diet, exercise, lotions and potions, yet the inevitable is starting. Lines are slowly settling in. I look in the mirror and still see the same face, yet when looking back at photos I seem so young and so different. It’s a different girl. I certainly don’t feel the age I am on paper.
My metabolism will start to slow down shortly. Keeping everything off will get more difficult. Gravity will do it’s thing. I workout for healthy bones and muscles later in life and to feel good now. I want to be active when I’m older. Being active means keeping independence. I like my independence!
While I can see the changes on the outside, I can’t see changes in the inside. I don’t have kids. If I want them I only have a few years left before I’m not so fresh so to speak. That brings up a whole other topic. Do I want them? I’ve never been the girl who when she grew up wanted a big wedding, house and children. I was the girl who wanted to explore over the next mountain, see what’s out there. It’s a big decision. I’ve never had that need some girls have for one. I’m not sure I will. I’ve never really thought about having them. It’s always been there if I have, however now it’s slowly being taken away with time. Having something you’ve always taken for granted being taken away is an unnerving feeling. My boyfriend feels 50/50 about them. He’s supportive and thankfully understands where I’m coming from.
I still feel that there are so many things I want to do as me. Whether we like it or not, women don’t have a much time as men. They can have babies whenever and work without age prejudice. Sometimes I scared of what I could do if I wasn’t so scared and stopped putting obstacles in my way. My so called fitness career as had so many set backs with certificates be valid and waiting for validation that I feel time’s slipping away for me. Do I choose to choose work, kids or both. Am I selfish for not wanting them? Am I selfish for wanting to feel I need to do more for me? Some might say that’s children, others work. I look at Beyonce and think wow, she’s achieve so much, is only a few years younger than me and what I have I done? I still have no direction. Women’s rights and how much freedom we have in the west has come along way in the past 100 years. Mother nature hasn’t evolved for later in life girls. A cruel twist.
The media certainly doesn’t help when we’re bombard with images of young, flawless, wide eyed next its and the media worships them. A lot of pressure is placed on women. I don’t really want to go into it as I feel many ladies know what I’m talking about. Even images of celebrities in their 40’s advertising cosmetics have been touched up. So much pressure. So much pressure to decide which directions in life to take. Sometimes I feel like scooping up my cats, grabbing my boyfriends hand and running off into the sunset like Peter Pan.
When that day in May arrives, I guess I’ll look in the mirror, sigh and tell myself you still have a good few years left, you can do whatever you want and have fun. We’re only on this planet for a short time, so enjoy it as you never know what’s around the corner.